Ramble On...

1/27/10

Finally, the potty Blog!!

I’ve been wanting to blog about potty issues for a while so here goes. If you’re the type of person who closes their eyes at the scary parts, you might want to scroll down to a previous entry, or just go and wash your hands. I’m no germiphobe. I think working on fishing boats cured me of that, or maybe it was eating bugs when I was a kid, either way, I’ve never been one to follow blindly down the road of cleanliness, and frankly I think this antibacterial craze is completely asinine.

Somewhere down the line I picked up the habit of putting both, the toilet seat and lid down after I use the toilet in my own home. I think it just looks better or something. Of course, that means that I have to touch it twice, once to put it down, and once to put it back up when I need to use it again, thus creating two opportunities to contaminate my own body with whatever may be around the toilet seat. I think we need some scientific background before we go any further. Let’s take a side trip for a second and consider farts, and quantum theory.

Imagine if you will, a world completely made up of really small particles. In this world, only the smallest of the parts of these particles are solid, yet through some sort of “magic”, these particles can combine to form shapes that appear solid. On this planet there is also gas, and this gas is also made completely out of particles and compounds. However, even though this gas employs the same “magic” as the solid stuff, somehow you can see through it, and move through it with ease. There are organisms that live on this planet which are mostly solid things as well, and use this gas to pull particles and compounds into their own body through a process known as breathing. When this happens, a quantity of ambient gas is taken into the body. This gas is not only comprised of necessary elements and compounds required by these organisms for survival, but also other particles that happen to be around, and this can vary greatly depending on the physical location of the organism, and what kinds of physical processes are also occurring in that location. The particles in this gas are so small that they are usually invisible. Also in this gas can be other living organisms, which are also seriously small, in fact they are invisible to most creatures that breathe them in.

All of the organisms on this planet that subsist by ingesting other organisms have systems which break down what is ingested into particles and compounds small enough to assimilate them into their own bodies. In order to do this the body employs acids which help break down matter, then bacteria which live in these organisms help by breaking this stuff down even further, and in so doing, earn their own living. These processes produce more gasses, mostly nitrogen and carbon dioxide, but also hydrogen and methane. This gas must leave the body of the organism somehow. Through a process known as peristalsis, the gas moves through the intestines, which carry waste products to their exit point, known in many organisms as the anus. Now, this gas has just been squeezed up against all sorts of waste products, depending on what the organism has ingested, passing through liquids and solids, and sometimes small particles are contained in this gas, just like in the atmosphere outside of the organism. There is one organism that lives on this planet that calls the expulsion of this gas a “fart”, from the old English “feortan”. These organisms sometimes exist in close quarters, and when one “farts”, nearby organisms can ingest them through the process of breathing, explained above.

When others breathe these “farts”, the smell often varies, even though most farts have very similar compositions of nitrogen, carbon dioxide, etc. This variable is what is also carried in this gas, mainly, the small particles of aerosolized matter from the intestine, sometimes known as poop. So, these unique smells are identified when the gas is breathed, and these poop particles come into contact with olfactory receptors in the noses of these organisms. Every time you smell a fart, you have poop IN your nose and lungs. more on farts here

Now that we have that out of the way, I think that we can begin to rationally discuss toilet seats, urine, human male tendencies, penises, and poop and bathroom etiquette. To me, the whole toilet seat up or down thing is pretty ridiculous and really illustrates how we reduce arguments to their basest level, and present them as an either/or false dichotomy. I’m not going to go into gender relations here, though they play a huge role in this issue, instead, I’d like to focus on actual processes and “facts”.

When I need to pee in a public, I take measures not to touch anything. I figure that every surface in there is contaminated with other people’s particles, especially the stainless fixtures on toilets, urinals and sinks. I am not down with O.P.P. in this situation. I am a big fan of the new “no touch” dispensers, though I think it’s probably a little excessive. Anyway, if the door is an in-swinger, I kick it in, if it’s an out-swinger, I’ll open it with my hand. If I come into contact with an out-swinger in what looks like a dirty location, I will then wash my hands before I pee. Since my hand was contaminated by the door handle, I’ll be damned if that thing goes near my Willie. I can guarantee that my penis is the cleanest part of my body. I then pee.

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If I am in the men’s bathroom, there is usually a urinal, which is sweet. If that’s occupied, or there isn’t one, I use the regular toilet. If the seat is down, I use my foot to lift the seat. When done, I zip and leave. The seat is left up. The urine is in the bowl. I don’t flush my pee in public generally, unless the contents of the bowl are old and need to go by by. I don’t pee on existing poop. If I need to flush, I generally grab a square of toilet tissue and use that to protect my fingers. If I flush, I wash my hands. If I’ve executed a no flush, no touch maneuver, I zip up, and leave, no need to wash my hands, since the only thing that they’ve touched is the cleanest part of my body, which reminds me of a great old joke.

“A guy from Harvard and a guy from Yale are peeing next to each other in the bathroom. The guy from Harvard finishes first and goes to wash his hands. Upon finishing the guy from Yale goes to leave without washing, and the guy from Harvard says,” At Harvard, they teach us to wash our hands after using the bathroom.”

The guy from Yale replied,” at Yale, they teach us not to pee on ourselves.”

Ok, back to the nitty gritty. I left the seat up because I know that nearly all men, when confronted with a down toilet seat when they have to pee just unleash all over the thing. That makes for a big mess when someone has to sit down on the thing. Some people can hover, but that’s not a skill of mine. I recently did an experiment at my new place. We have a main bathroom, which we call the “spice den”, for various reasons, but we have a bathroom downstairs as well. The seat downstairs will not stay up. There is no way to get it to stay up while you pee, so the other day, I left it down. I concentrated very hard, and kind of strattled the toilet, so I could get a little closer to my target, and with much effort tried to get every last drop into the bowl. It was a disaster. It’s like trying to shoot a bird with a sawed-off shotgun. You’ll hit the thing, but it’s a pretty wide pattern getting sprayed. So, I cleaned the seat, with disinfectant even, and resolved to never do that again.

With that evidence I am left with the only possible conclusion that in shared, public bathroom situations, the seat must be left up to maintain cleanliness. Other wise, it’s just going to be covered in pee by the retards that don’t give a shit about other people. That being said, when confronted with a locked men’s bathroom, I’ll often use the women’s bathroom. In that scenario, I always put the seat back down, and make sure that it’s clean. It’s definitely worth the extra touch on the seat to experience the relative cleanliness of the female bathroom.

I’m not really sure if we’ve grown much through this experience, that is, me writing this, and you reading this. I guess I just wanted to say that I have a clean penis and think we should do a better job of not shitting and peeing on everything.

1/21/10

Afternoon Exploration

I’m up in Port Angeles right now, delivering an upholstery job and finishing up the VERY last siding on the cabin. Yesterday afternoon there was the slightest chance that some waves might make it down the strait and beat the currents to arrive on reefs that haven’t felt the caress of a churning barrel in a long time.

As is often the case here, I struck out with the surf, but as is often the case here, getting out into nature and checking things out yielded some great times. The sun was out, and the lighting was epic. The color blue in the sky, and the light against the Douglas Firs was really vibrant. It was just one of those days that exploring felt good. The first spot that I checked has some ponds on the side of the trail that leads out to the surf spot. There were a few ducks, Wigeon, Gadwall and Bufflehead, but sneaking around in the corner was a pair of Hooded Mergansers. Hoodies, as we birders call them are spectacular birds. The male’s plumage exhibits a gracefulness, a blend of really striking features without gaudy coloring that combines for one of the most elegant presentations of natural beauty around. The female, well, her shape is nice, but she’s kind of drab. So, this pair was off by themselves in a corner of the pond, doing who knows what, and they tried to sneak by me as I was walking down the trail, but I caught them. They were kind of far away, but the backdrop was nice so I took a couple of photos.

A pair of Hooded Mergansers

The next spot I hit was a rocky reef point. There were absolutely no waves, and the tide was super high, so I just cruised around the rocks. I found a spot next to a deep pool, which is usually surrounded by dry reef, but today everything was submerged, and the ducks were foraging closer to the shore than I had ever seen. I hunkered down in a little crevice, hoping for something cool to happen in the vicinity. I was hoping for a Peregrine or Merlin in the tree above, but had to settle for a pair of Harlequin Ducks.

A pair of Harlequin Ducks

Prized by hunters for their plumage and scarcity, the Harlequin Duck, (as the name implies) is dramatically colored like a vaudeville clown with painted cheeks. The female again is quite boring in coloration, but when one considers her life history, admiration is the only possible conclusion. Harlequin Ducks nest in swift mountain streams and rivers, often in the cold glacial runoff. The start of this process happens early in the season, when these gorgeous little ducks begin their courtship displays and pair bonding rituals near the mouths of their chosen rivers, and scouting flights begin up into the drainage. The birds begin to spend more and more time on the river, often during the big spring melts. If you’re lucky enough to find a pair in the spring, they’re often roosting on a mid-stream rock surrounded by class 3 or 4 rapids! Soft little cuddly birds.

Then I went to a casino and gambled my last cent.

1/18/10

Living on Borrowed Dimes

Maybe I should have clued in on tendencies as a kid, when I wouldn’t start writing papers until the day before they were due, maybe I should have done a lot of things, but somehow, at 34 years old, I find myself ill prepared for life in this world in terms of doing work, with future security in mind.

I don’t really want to write too much like this on my blog. This isn’t my diary, and man, are you lucky for that!! You think I’m nuts here?! Anyway, I knew that this was going to be hard, especially since I have not organized anything, don’t have a business plan, have all of my notes and ideas in 4 separate notebooks, and am literally more scattered than Russian silver iodide. I just wish I were better at money. I know that if I put more energy into managing it, and knew exactly what I had in my bank at all times, and which day shit was due I would probably have fewer problems, but I just can’t dedicate the time end energy needed for that to happen. Most people probably have no problem, since their cushion is probably bigger than a few dollars. I don’t know. Is the stress of dealing with the money more than the stress of dealing with, say, 3 overdraft charges, or 2 late fees. Hard to say, but I do know that the stress of 3 overdraft charges and two late fees in one day is nearly unbearable. In fact, coupled with two months of owed rent, and two months of back loans due, etc., the stress is almost enough for me to put on all of my wool clothes and grab my binoculars and start walking south.

It’s this constant debate of the value in trying to make it in this society, a society that is nearly 100% at odds with what I believe and how I want to live. I feel like I’ve almost invented a way for me to survive in it, and do good and rewarding things, and help build community, and spread love, well, maybe Al Gore invented it, but I’ve located a niche. I’m sure that in 3 months time, I will be selling some stuff that I’m making. My footwear line will be figured out. My shirts will be moving. Soccerzulu will be funded, and I’ll be working on repaying my rent, but in the mean time? The money ran out yesterday. The computers will continue to signal the appointed times for withdrawal, and the digits will continue to be in parentheses. Living on borrowed dimes.

1/15/10

An Egg Adendum

1/12/10

Vert Night !!!

Seven days a week, every night, the renton skate barn is mostly full of adolescent boys, riding skateboards, rollerblades and razor zoot skooters. There are a few girls mixed in here and there, and the refugee soccer Mom, and even the aging 20 something rail sliding the fun box. In the far right corner, almost hidden looms a gargantuan, 10’6 to 12 foot vert ramp which mostly goes un-ridden, that is, except for vert night. Officially it’s roller blading night, but since the local fruit booters don’t ride the vert ramp, the guys have made it a habit to infiltrate and tango with the massive walls.

Last Wednesday I went with my buddy and room mate, Emil (pronounced eeee- mul, or E-O for short), to check it out. I’ve never done more than get a few turns about 2 feet below the vert on a vert ramp, so take everything I write with a grain of salt. That is, if a grain of salt could explain that writing about, talking about, walking about a 12 foot half pipe with two feet of vert, (vertical walls) in some sections has absolutely nothing to do with riding one of these monsters. These things are the equivalent of Pipeline to surfers. They’re big, and they’re scary.

That being said, when we first got there, two nine to eleven year old kids were standing on the deck. I lugged my creaky body and still not quite good leg over to the ladder next to the channel and was barely able to haul myself up this thing, and as I did so, one of the kids dropped in. Emil had told me about some young guns that were pretty good, but he totally understated their abilities. These two kids were blasting. But, they weren’t just getting air, every time they went aloft they did so with style, and the giant backside airs, and judos reminded me of Hosoi or something, and it was obvious these weren’t normal kids. They’re pretty much nine year old ninjas!

Nine year old Ninja Judo

Now, the disclaimer. I'm not very good at taking skate photos. I blame it on the tough lighting situations, and the fact that I don’t own a wide angle lens, but that might be a little bit of a cop out. Whatever, so, I missed pretty much every photo option with these kids while I was dicking around with camera settings and getting used to the zone. They only skated for about 20 minutes after we got there, then it was time to clean the dust off the ramp, and the big boys to try on their legs.

For me, an even more impressive feat than ripping a ramp at 9 is ripping a ramp at 49. My buddy Morris isn’t 49, I think he’s 47, and he doesn’t look a day over 35, unless his hair is all Christopher Lloyded, then he can look his age, but it’s really kind of hard to get a good look at him when he’s blasting 6 feet over the coping, pulling giant leans, and backside airs. Not only does Mo go big, but his bag of tricks is endless, and he was the only guy to string a whole run of giant airs together on the ramp, until trying a sick indie over the channel. It was really inspiring for me to see that out of 15 guys on the ramp, Morris was the guy going the biggest, and getting the most walls in on any given run. That takes a lot of stamina, strength, and his airs demonstrate some serious yogic abilities.

Morris, getting gnarley.

I was also hyped to see Emil on the big ramp. I’ve skated with Emil for a long time, well, if you’ve seen me skate, you know that I pretty much don’t skate. My bag of tricks is small enough that I keep it in the change purse in my wallet. Emil, now that’s another story. He grew up with a ramp IN his house, and he can do pretty much any trick, and do it with some serious steez. Backside and frontside crails, smith grinds, giant frontside ollies on the vert. He takes his lip tricks straight to the giant walls and makes it look effortless. Emil’s skating is perhaps the most stylish brand of skating I’ve ever seen. When he’s getting a 15 foot grind it almost looks like he’s floating, like there’s no weight on his board. E-O’s gnarly.

Emil rolls a blunt.

These guys are keeping it real. They’re carrying the torch for the younger generation to see through the blackness in the cave of consumerism, and past Shaun White’s afro to the realness of skating for yourself, skating for fun and skating for life.

1/5/10

The Great Garganey Go-Around

Warning, this might be the most boring thing I’ve ever written for a non-birder, so if you get through it. You win. In fact, if you can be the first person to demonstrate to me that you read this, I’ll buy you dinner. “F” the statistics page on my website, I’ll find out if anyone reads this shit once and for all.

I think it was on the 30th of December, or maybe the 31st, just last week anyway. A couple of birders saw an unusual duck on a small man made pond at Magnuson Park in the University district of Seattle. The duck was anything but striking in appearance, being mostly brown, with some streaking on the breast, and two not very distinct eye lines on the face. It looked a lot like a pretty common bird here called the Green-winged Teal, and many bird watchers had probably looked at this bird and passed it off as another female Green-wing.

These other birders however, perhaps through luck, but more likely due to vast experience looking at Green-winged Teal and other waterfowl saw something a bit “off” about this duck. It was behaving a little differently, and lacked this conspicuous little white patch on the side of the rump, and the area under its tail seemed a little darker. These two birders scrutinized this thing, and after some time finally saw it open its wing to stretch and preen. When it did so, it revealed a border of creamy white on the leading edge of the iridescent green stripe in the speculum of the bird’s wing. The Green-winged Teal does not have this, so along with the other plumage differences, these guys were sure it was something different, and eventually settled in it being a male Garganey, still in its fall plumage.

The Garganey is a duck common to central Asia and west through Europe, (and can even be seen in Africa), but to make an appearance here in Washington outside of a zoo is rare indeed. Many ducks can be highly migratory, and it’s not uncommon for them to wander, in fact, many birds do get “lost”, and the reasons they do so are still a bit foggy. It’s theorized with some birds at least, that their internal migrational aids may be shifted 90 degrees, so that instead of flying south for the winter, they fly east or west. Or maybe, they just end up with the wrong crowd, and follow them to a place none of their ancestors have ever been. Either way, it happens with frequency, enough that through casual observation birders find these rare birds outside of their usual haunts all of the time. Having heard about this bird I thought I might go and see it, and add a new bird to my life list.

I’m a birdwatcher, a bird biologist and also a birder. You might be asking yourself, “isn’t that all the same thing?,” but obviously, since I brought it up, they are probably not. Bird watching is the activity of watching birds (duh). Most bird watchers gain pleasure from this pastime, but it’s generally a pretty casual activity done on vacation, or out the window at a feeder. My Dad is an itinerant birdwatcher. Bird Biologists, are often birdwatchers, but not always, and this may sound crazy, but the vast majority of bird biologists that I know are not birders. In fact, ornithologists sometimes scorn the idea and lament that birding takes away from any “real” appreciation of birds, their communities and how they interact with their native habitats. Let me explain. Birding is the act of going out and looking for birds, usually, but not always with some sort of goal in mind. These goals can be many; to see as many species for the day, to see a particular bird species in a particular location, to count as many bird species in a year as possible etc. It’s not always the case, but often these searches and outings focus on rarities, and on the augmentation of lists.

Birders make lists. Some only have a life list, which contains all of the bird species the birder has seen in his or her life, anywhere. Some make a list every day. Some keep house lists, county lists, state lists, etc. Add in time, coupled with geography, and the types of lists one might keep are innumerable. “Purists” in the bird world call this type of birder a “lister”, usually with a tone of disdain. I think the idea is that while making these lists, the natural patterns going on around them are often ignored for the rarity lucky enough to be jotted down on paper. I’ve met this type of birder, and have even guided them. I was guiding one such Swiss guy in Costa Rica once, and while walking down the trail I would note birds I was hearing far off trail, just as color for the day, so he might listen and learn what the birds sound like. Instead of paying attention, this guy would open his little book and jot the bird down as a “lifer”, though he had never seen it, nor had any idea what was making that noise until I pointed it out. Another group of Finnish guys would not look at birds I pointed out which they had seen previously. I would say something like,” Oooh, oooh, there’s a Northern Royal Flycatcher over there, and it looks agitated, maybe it will raise its crest!” and they would counter with, “ ya, we have seen,” and continue walking down the trail. Listers really can be absurd.

Having said that I want to counter with an illucidation on the situation with the Garganey. I do not know the two birders personally who found the Garganey, but from what I gather, they are very astute observers, and through their birding have gathered an amazing bank of knowledge about local birds and their communities. Loaded with this extensive knowledge, they are also much more aware when something is a little awry, like with this Garganey. It’s not that they were out looking for a Garganey, maybe they were working on a list of some type, but maybe they were just out looking at birds. Who knows?

So, as a birder I went to go find this thing on Sunday. When I arrived at the park I spoke with two birders who said that they had seen it, but sadly it had a band. Bummer. A band would mean that it wasn’t a wild bird, but an escapee from a zoo or a private collection and wouldn’t be countable on anyone’s ABA area official lists!! Pretty funny, just drove an hour to look at a nondescript little duck, and I can’t even count it!!! I decided to go look for it anyway, and as I was gearing up some friends of mine showed up too. We were getting ready at the cars with over, I’ll guess, $8,000.00 in optics and gear in tow, when a birder passed by. One of us asked,” what’d you see?”, and he countered with one word, without missing a step, ”Garganey.” We guessed that he had missed the band and had already filled in his list!

Immediately upon getting to the ponds I spotted a small teal with a dark butt, and knew it was our bird. We got on it, and the guys who had seen the “band” were there as well, and before we knew it we had a group of twelve or so birders, and the optics count went up to about $30,000.00. We watched this bird for a while, but it just wouldn’t show us that leading edge of the speculum, which would confirm it. What it did do though, was walk up on the bank just long enough to see clearly that there was indeed no band on the bird’s leg. It was countable, maybe.

I looked at this duck for about two hours, maybe more. It was different, than the close by Green-winged Teal. Its undertail coverts had thick dark splotches in the center, as opposed to clear, creamy centers, or occasional thin streaking like the Green-winged Teal. Its bill was wider at the tip, and seemed a little more robust. The edging on the scapulars was white, and perhaps a little wider than the buffy edging on the Teal, and the belly looked more contrastingly light as it met the darker streaking of the flanks and breast. I had expected the light spot behind the bill to be lighter, and overall, this bird was DEFFINITELY slightly smaller than its nearby counterparts. It is supposed to be slightly larger.

So, now we have a conundrum. This bird doesn’t exactly fit what a Garganey should be, but it’s clearly something different. It’s potentially a hybrid, and the likelihood that anyone will ever decipher who this bird’s parents were is highly improbable. Finally, the bird waddled up on a bank, nest to a female Green-winged Teal, and both began to preen. Eventually the bird showed that edge, and to me it looked lighter than the buff on a Teal, but then the neighbor bird opened its wing, and it was pretty close.

So, where do I mark this bird on my list?? The consensus is still churning away on this thing. There is a bit of an on-line debate, but it’s not rampant, as I think most people have little experience with this bird, and have no opinion, hoping that the birding heavies will weigh in with their views, and hoping they can add one more species to their King county, Washington State and North American lists. What this bird did do however, is get probably over a hundred different birders off of their Wii machines and outside to look at Teal butts. While watching this bird, I had the best scope views of my life at Gadwall, another duck, with some of the most understated, yet elegant markings found on any organism anywhere, ever. I’ve never spent that much time watching Teal consecutively, and am very glad for it. Listing is great for the economy.

1/3/10

So, one of my favorite things to do at the new year is burn all of my fortune cookie fortunes. I save them after every meal, and then at the end of the year I burn them. Some get lost throughout the year, but I manage to hold on to most of them. I eat a lot of asian food with my dietary restrictions, so it might seem like I have a lot. Usually you get a few bad ones, but last year's fortunes pretty much ruled, and I am hoping that there is at least some semblance of truth there, and that it extends into 2010.

Another one of my favorite things to do is make sure I get that New Year's kiss. I'm not sure if I really am superstitious, or if I just don't like taking chances. I cannot honestly believe that I'll have bad luck if I don't kiss someone on the new year, just as I can't honestly believe that if I follow the 10 commandments I will be whisked away to an eternal land of bliss with lots of harp music when I die. Either way, I'd rather not take chances. This year, there were only 3 women around for the new year, and for certain reasons one was off limits, one wasn't around when the clock struck 1200, so when my Roommate's Mom went in for a hug, she got a little more than she bargained for!

2009 fortune cookie fortunes

You have an important new business development shaping up.
You will be approached with an interesting proposition.
Your mind will be filled with new ideas.
Your most memorable dream will come true.
You have the makings of a leader, not a follower.
Soon you will be sitting on top of the world.
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
Right now there is an energy pushing you to stay on your path.
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
Someone will need your help today.
Soon, someone will make you very proud.
You will receive an unexpected gift.
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
Your ability to work in a group will make tomorrow successful.